Back Shelf Beauties
by Willie Waffle
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Taxi
Jimmy Fallon needs to call Tina Fey and beg her to write a movie for him
half as good as the one she wrote for Lindsay Lohan, or half as good as the
stuff they used to do on Saturday Night
Live. Then, I will laugh at his jokes, because they will be her
funny, intelligent jokes instead of his moronic behavior passed off as funny.
Fallon stars as Andy Washburn - the worst and dumbest detective in the history
of the NYPD. He's a menace on two feet, but even worse when he gets behind
the wheel of a car. After crashing his vehicle into a bodega, Washburn is
busted back down to beat cop, but that doesn't stop him from commandeering
Belle's (Queen Latifah) tricked out, souped up taxi to chase after some sexy,
scantily clad, Brazilian models (led by Giselle "The Body" Bundchen) who
have robbed a bank. The chase goes badly, Belle's cab is impounded, and Washburn
gets fired, but the two team up in an attempt to catch the models so she
can get her cab back, and he can prove he's a good cop. .
Can they catch the robbers before they strike again? Will we get to see the
models in bikinis?
Somewhere, someplace, someone is yelling at me, "just lighten up Waffle!
It's a comedy." WRONG! It's a comedy thriller, and the comedy is so stupid,
you can't believe the thriller part. Sadly, the thriller part might have
worked, but someone thought Taxi could
be funny, and stuffed it full of idiocy instead of hilarity.
Director Tim Story tries to make a decent movie, but
Taxi is a flop. He is left to beat some
jokes to death, like Washburn's driving difficulties. Then, he constantly
gives us leering camera shots of the models every time they step out of a
car. With a crummy script from Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon and Jim Kouf (based
on a French movie, again proving the French haven't given us anything good
since The Statue of Liberty or French Toast), Story is left to go for flashy
action over plot development or establishment of a complex mystery to solve.
To pad the movie when the story is overly simple, he gives us two introduction
scenes for Belle, when one will do, and had to throw in some meaningless
scenes and characters like Belle going to the DMV, an FBI Agent (Chistian
Kane) whose whole role consists of growling about his investigation, and
Washburn's Mother (Ann Margaret) who is in the movie to convince us alcoholism
is funny.
Story doesn't make it farcical enough to be funny, and, because it's so stupid
for 90% of the movie, he can't get us to feel sympathy for characters in
the right moments or take the movie seriously when it becomes about fighting
crime. Additionally, Story over sanitizes Taxi
to the point you never believe anyone is in danger, which takes
away from the drama.
Latifah does as best she can with horrible dialogue and baseless comedy,
but it's Fallon who suffers the most. He is left acting dumb and outrageous
as if this unto itself is funny. Some of it works, most of it made me cringe.
Washburn is made to look so dumb, you can't believe he could ever be admitted
to the police academy let alone solve a well-planned series of bank robberies
by highly trained, amazingly skilled and deadly perpetrators, so Fallon is
left to give it the old college try and hope we don't remember the early
part of the movie where the audience is left to wonder if this guy is smart
enough to remember how to breathe.
Taxi quickly runs out of gas shortly
after the opening scene. Save your money.
1 Waffles (Out Of
4)
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