Back Shelf Beauties
by Willie Waffle
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Hoodwinked
That's how people will feel after buying tickets to this movie, which might
be one of the worst animated films I have ever seen (and I had to watch Disney's
Atlantis:The Lost Empire, so imagine
the horror!). While the animation is atrocious, the story isn't much better,
so what could be the redeeming trait in this movie? I'm still looking.
In a twist on the story of Little Red Riding Hood (because every wet behind
the ears executive in Hollywood feels the need to take a beloved children's
story and make it "hip" for the young kids of today by adding attitude and
irreverence), snack shops and bakeries all over the forest have been getting
robbed, and the thieves have made off with their best recipes. Red (voice
by Anne Hathaway) decides she has to save grandma's (Glenn Close) popular
secret recipes before the bandits get them, so she grabs these treasures
and heads over the river and through the woods to grandma's house. Once there,
she encounters a mysterious wolf (Patrick Wharburton), granny trapped in
the closet (possibly with R. Kelly), and a crazy woodsman (James "I don't
go by Jim anymore so I sound classier" Belushi). When the police show up,
each participant is interviewed by private eye Nicky Flippers (David Ogden
Stiers), who thinks this could all lead him to the real recipe bandit.
Who is the recipe bandit?
Hoodwinked stinks. Anyone who has seen
a major animated film in the last 15 years will be shocked to see animation
this technically crude in a movie theater. At a time when animators are able
to make characters like Shrek, Nemo and The Incredibles come to life with
amazing detail and reality, the characters in
Hoodwinked will look like ones you may
have seen in videogames on your computer screen in 1995. It's as if
Hoodwinked was put together in some back
alley with a Commodore 64. The moves are awkward, anyone who runs does so
at a ridiculously slow speed, mouths don't move quite right when characters
speak, and each one has a dull, lifeless look in their eyes (like Tara Reid
on the deceased Taradise or Paris Hilton
on anything).
Even worse, the story is overly simple and full of pop culture references
5, 10, 15 and 20 years old, and we're not talking about timeless references
you remember with glee in your heart. Much like the movie's animation,
co-writers/co-directors Cory Edwards, Todd Edwards and Tony Leech seem stuck
in the 80's with references to Chevy Chase and
Fletch filling the screen (maybe they
wanted Chase and settled for Wharburton?). Each one feels forced and out
of place, even the more modern allusions to The
Matrix and Mission Impossible
(which have been done to death), but they never stop coming. Even a failed
joke about movie critics falls short, and we're the most easily mockable
people in the world (only to be topped by politicians, used car salesmen
and Paris Hilton or Tara Reid).
Worse than being unfunny, Edwards, Edwards and Leech give away the true bandit's
identity too early in the film and stick us with a meaningless subplot about
Red hoping to leave the forest. It's only good for some plot filler and a
couple musical numbers to make sure the movie runs longer than 1 hour, which
is not a welcome development for anyone glancing at their watch and praying
for sweet mercy, especially as the conclusion is drawn out far beyond any
acceptable period of time.
Sadly, even the lovely Hathaway and usually fantastic Close can't save this
movie. Wharburton sounds like he is doing the same old tired Puddy character
from Seinfeld (it's not as funny without the great Seinfeld scripts, and
even Wharburton sounds like he is getting bored with it), and Benjy Gaither
goes on and on and on and on as a goat with a musical number that feels like
it lasts 20 minutes (I swear I thought Benjy Gaither was just an alias for
an embarrassed Jeff Foxworthy trying to distance himself as far away as possible
from this abomination. I guess Larry the Cable Guy was too smart to take
the role, too.).
Hoodwinked might seem like a great idea
for the kiddies, but you love those kiddies too much to subject them to this.
0 Waffles (Out Of
4)
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