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Back Shelf Beauties
by Willie Waffle

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Zoom and Pulse

Zoom (from Columbia and Revolution Studios) and Pulse (from Dimension Films) were not shown to movie critics prior to their opening. 

While this usually means the movie is a piece of dreadful, horrible dreck and the studio is scared some guy like me might rant and rave and mock their “masterpiece” to his heart’s delight, I still think I feel quite qualified to predict what kind of ratings the movies would have received had Columbia and Dimension had enough courage and faith in their products to let them see the light of day (or light of a projector lens).  

Zoom

If the movie is a typical coming of age tale with a lesson about accepting who we are and acknowledging our differences make us special and form a better society = 0 Waffles

If it appears star Tim Allen doesn’t give a darn whatsoever (he has all of that Santa Clause and Home Improvement money) and just starts using strange and funny voices for the character, but changes them from scene to scene = 1 Waffle

If Family Feud host Richard "Al" Karn plays some sort of supervillain who gets to kill Tim Allen’s character in a wish fulfillment fantasy for the ages = 4 Waffles, a bonus Waffle if he says something like, “Survey Says, You’re Gonna Die!” 

Pulse

If Veronica Mars, I mean star Kristen Bell, plays a self-conscious high school girl who finds the power, confidence and strength within at just the moment she needs to kill the evil force/devil/guy wearing a hockey mask while hiding in the closet/ghost = 0 Waffles

If Veronica Mars, I mean star Kristen Bell, does all of that stuff above while wearing a long t-shirt that looks like a sexy little nightie  = 1 Waffle

If Veronica Mars, I mean Kristen Bell does all of that stuff in a bikini while screaming, “Die you evil son of a bitch bastard!” = 2 Waffles

If Veronica Mars, I mean Kristen Bell, does all that stuff, while wearing a bikini and screams, “I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” = 4 Waffles

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