Zoom
and Pulse
Zoom
(from Columbia and
Revolution Studios) and Pulse
(from Dimension Films) were not shown to movie
critics prior to their opening.
While this usually means the
movie is a piece of dreadful, horrible dreck and the studio is scared
some guy
like me might rant and rave and mock their
“masterpiece” to his heart’s
delight, I still think I feel quite qualified to predict what kind of
ratings
the movies would have received had Columbia and Dimension
had enough courage and
faith in their products to let them see the light of day (or light of a
projector lens).
Zoom
If the movie is a typical
coming of age tale with a lesson about accepting who we are and
acknowledging
our differences make us special and form a better society = 0 Waffles
If it appears star Tim Allen
doesn’t
give a darn whatsoever (he has all of that Santa
Clause and Home
Improvement money) and just starts using strange and funny
voices for the
character, but changes them from scene to scene = 1 Waffle
If Family Feud
host Richard
"Al" Karn plays some sort of supervillain who gets to kill Tim
Allen’s character in
a wish fulfillment fantasy for the ages = 4 Waffles,
a bonus Waffle
if he says
something like, “Survey Says, You’re Gonna
Die!”
Pulse
If Veronica Mars, I mean
star Kristen Bell, plays a self-conscious high school girl who finds
the power,
confidence and strength within at just the moment she needs to kill the
evil
force/devil/guy wearing a hockey mask while hiding in the closet/ghost
= 0
Waffles
If Veronica Mars, I mean
star Kristen Bell, does all of that stuff above while wearing a long
t-shirt
that looks like a sexy little nightie
= 1
Waffle
If Veronica Mars, I mean
Kristen Bell does all of that stuff in a bikini while screaming,
“Die you evil
son of a bitch bastard!” = 2 Waffles
If Veronica Mars, I mean
Kristen Bell, does all that stuff, while wearing a bikini and screams,
“I know
it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” = 4 Waffles
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2006 - WaffleMovies.com
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