What's Your Number?

To paraphrase and steal a memorable line from Brad Pitt in Moneyball, "There's bad movies. Then, there's 20 feet of crap under those. Then, there's What's Your Number?".

Anna Faris stars as Ally Darling (that name alone should scare you into the theater playing Moneyball) - a bubbly blond whose life is falling apart. In addition to dealing with some personal problems at work and with her latest ex-boyfriend, Ally's sister, Daisy Darling (Ari Gaynor), is getting married, which makes the older Ally start to wonder where her Prince Charming might be.

As Ally starts to reflect, she realizes she has slept with 19 guys, and, well, that makes her feel a bit icky, so, with the help of her hunky, Casanova-of-Casual-Sex neighbor, Colin (Chris "Still Sporting Those Muscles from Captain America" Evans), our harlot of a heroine decides to hunt down her previous paramours in the hope that one of them might be Mr. Right.

Will Ally find the right guy by looking back at those other dudes?

How long until Ally and Colin start knocking boots? (You know I am right. As soon as you saw the commercials or read the summary above, you knew this was some silly romantic comedy where the two of them would be getting together at some point. Plus, each one REALLY likes sex.)

What's Your Number? is dreadful, and dreadful isn't a strong enough word to describe the horrific pain of watching this movie if you have one ounce of common sense. I am not a prude, but it's not hard to figure out why Ally is single, and it's very hard to find her likable. Those are two major problems.

As written by Jennifer Crittenden and Gabrielle Allan (based on the novel by Karyn Bosnak), Ally is drunk for the first half hour of the movie and makes horrible decisions about how to act, has no belief in herself, constantly molds herself to impress others, and sums it all up when she states she wants to find a guy who is willing to accept that she is, "a jobless whore who has slept with 20 guys." How romantic. Yes, the number increases from 19 to 20 in the first few moments of the movie, proving my point about how Ally makes very bad decisions, even after she declares to be changing her life, but gets so drunk, she's back in the sack.

What's Your Number? doesn't get much better from there. Director Mark Mylod and editor Julie Monroe must have been under orders to sell that soundtrack as the background music often overpowers the action on screen, even when it isn't needed and doesn't make any impact on the story.

Crittenden, a former writer from Seinfeld, desperately attempts to create little, cutesy names and exchanges in the spirit of Seinfeld, but, certainly, not with the quality of it, while also filling the movie with the false sense that it is original, cutting edge and oh so smart, when we can predict every twist and turn because we have seen them in every romantic comedy ever filmed before. Then, she manufactures drama out of nowhere because we need a little drama (and a reason to toss in a soft, ballady kind of song from that soundtrack).

And, it's clear the decision makers and creators involved in the moviemaking process hate fat people, as the only overweight person in the movie is named, Disgusting Donald, even though many other characters are engaging in much more disgusting behavior.

We never spend enough time with the previous paramours to get a sense of who they are or what happened in the relationship beyond a quick joke based on making them into stereotypical characters, which makes each one's appearance completely worthless and unnecessary, while Faris and Evans slog through material that is and should be extremely beneath them, especially since each one is required to be in a various state of undress multiple times to wake up the audience and make them pay attention, because stuff like dialogue and acting won't do it here.

What's Your Number? is so bad, it couldn't be saved. It never should have been made, and I am worried any movie playing in an adjoining theater might get herpes.

What's Your Number? is rated R for sexual content and language