War Horse

Sometimes, the hack writer in me must come forth because it is my most honest reaction. War Horse should be called Bore Horse.

Jeremy Irvine stars as Albert – the teen boy in a farming family facing all sorts of troubles (because farmers in movies ALWAYS face horrible troubles, including pestilence, drought, too much rain, livestock riddled with disease, destruction of crops in general and more). His father, Ted (Peter Mullen), has purchased a beautiful horse for the farm, but it doesn’t appear to be the kind of workhorse they need to plow the tough field. Caring very much for the four-legged pal, Albert does everything he can to help train the horse and take care of him.

As World War I begins, the horse is sold to the cavalry, and Albert vows to find his pal wherever the war horse (bore horse) may end up.

Can this horse survive the war?

Can Albert ever track him down thousands of miles away from home?

Please, don’t make me watch War Horse ever again. Steven Spielberg is a great director, but it feels like he is making War Horse for an audience from a bygone day and age. Sure, he might be making a World War I movie in the style of an old fashioned, traditional, stereotypical Oscar-hyped movie, but dedication to how it looks overshadows and stunts the growth of every other aspect of War Horse.

The script from Richard Curtis and Lee Hall (based on the novel by Michael Morpurgo) is nonexistent as Spielberg is fascinated with providing sweeping, grandiose visions instead of grabbing the story by the tail (or should I say tale?) and delivering a massive body blow to your heart and soul.

Character development is tossed out the window as each character feels like a caricature. Not only do the Germans and French speak perfect English (complete with a joke about it in the movie), but their accents are cartoonish, while each character and story is overly simple, complete with a big climax that might have you guffawing and mocking, instead of cheering and clapping.

War Horse might get you away from the family for two and a half hours during the holiday season, but you will pay for your desire to abandon your loved ones (no matter how much they may be bickering).

War Horse is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of war violence