Tooth Fairy

I am a big fan of Dwayne "I Will Always Call You The Rock" Johnson, so I hope he was paid well for this one. In fact, I hope he went into the negotiations with a list.

Read Horrible Dialogue Like "You Can't Handle The Tooth" = $1 Million

Allow Myself To Be Chased Around By A Yippy Little Dog = $2 Million

Put On A Pink Tutu = $5 Million

Johnson stars as Derek - a once promising professional hockey player who got injured, found himself demoted to the minor leagues and became a brutal goon known as The Tooth Fairy because he knocks out his opponents' teeth on a regular basis (somewhere, real hockey goon Tie Domi wishes he came up with a cool nickname like that, he would have been on ESPN more often). Even though he appears to be a dreadful, egotistical and selfish human being, Derek is dating Carly (Ashley Judd). The mother of two appreciates Derek's chiseled body (women will forgive many sins if you have abs of steel), but she gets very angry when the buffoon almost tells Carly's adorable 6-year old daughter that The Tooth Fairy does not exist. This is where it gets weird.

That night, Derek is mystifyingly swept away to Fairyland, where Bosswoman Fairy Lily (Julie Andrews) accuses him of "Disseminating Disbelief" and "1st Degree Murder of Fantasy". To make up for his horrible deeds, Derek must serve as a real tooth fairy for two weeks.

Will Derek be a good tooth fairy?

Can he get his life back on track?

Sadly, Tooth Fairy is not magical, charming or full of wonder. When you get right down to it, a man has been kidnapped by some non-governmental, mafia-like organization with no real authority and forced into slave labor against his will for two weeks to help the organization financially benefit by sneaking into people's homes to steal from children. Forget about waterboarding. This could be a worse human rights violation than anything that has occurred on Guantanamo Bay!

Director Michael Lembeck (the guy who played Mackenzie Phillips's husband on One Day At A Time) and the team of many writers never elevate Tooth Fairy above bland and predictable, which is a horrifying fact given you have two of the most charming and beloved screen stars of all time in the movie (Andrews and Johnson). Even Billy Crystal's appearance as some sort of Fairy Q delivering gadgets to Derek feels like a colossal waste of time and energy. I know this movie is mostly aimed at kids, but don't kids deserve better than flat, tepid slapstick and obvious plot twists?

Lembeck and the crew never make Fairyland into a magical place that will fill kids with wonder, nor is it an ironic place that will make adults double over in laughter. Then, in an all too familiar twist, Tooth Fairy becomes massively melodramatic and serious as everyone learns a lesson, starts to understand each other and become better people. Yuck!

Dwayne Johnson is better than this. Julie Andrews is better than this. Billy Crystal is better than this. Even Michael Lembeck is better than this.

Tooth Fairy is rated PG for mild language, some rude humor and sports action.