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Back Shelf Beauties
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Resident Evil: Apocalypse Resident Evil: Apocalypse is the kind of movie that causes you to drink tequila until every brain cell in your head responsible for remembering the film is dead. Only then do you find sweet, numb relief from the nightmares that plague you after seeing one of the dumbest movies ever made. Anyone who has seen the first Resident Evil movie, and you know who you are (don't be proud), knows the plot, based on the Resident Evil video games. An evil monolithic corporation, Umbrella Corp, created a virus for military use, which mostly turns people into zombies! Alice (Milla Jovovich) saved everyone in the last movie only to be captured by Umbrella Corp and used for experiments that have given her amazing powers and physical abilities. Meanwhile, the virus has escaped Umbrella Corp's headquarters and found its way into the general population (that can't be good). As Raccoon City (a fictional name that proves people who write for video games do so because they can't write for movies), is taken over by the virus, and Raccoon City-ites, or Raccoon City-tonians if you like, are getting turned into zombies by the thousands, Alice meets up with other non-zombie survivors trying to escape the city. You guessed it, Umbrella Corp has locked down the metropolis and targeted it for destruction. Alice and the gang's only hope is a top Umbrella Corp scientist, Dr. Ashford (Jared Harris), who has offered to help guide them to safety if they can find his daughter and bring her with them. They just have to get through a city full of zombies to do so. Can the gang find the daughter? Get out before the city is destroyed? Avoid being eaten by zombies? After 45 minutes of mass destruction, stuff blowing up, fight scenes and general chaos, director Alexander Witt finally presents this ludicrous plot to us, complete with increasingly moronic twists and turns. Sadly, this is about 30 minutes after you realize you made a horrible mistake choosing to buy tickets to Resident Evil: Apocalypse instead of Cellular (try to get a refund if you can). The movie is a compilation of mindless scenes trying to feature special effects and fight choreography instead of story, character development and good acting. If that's your bag, you probably stopped reading this review already. For the rest of you, here are a few more reasons the movie stinks. All of the characters fit into tired stereotypes we have seen too many times, including the tough guy, cute special forces dude with a heart, Olivera (Oded Fehr); a renegade cop inexplicably dressed more like a hooker instead of an officer of the law, Jill Valentine (Sienna Guilliory); the reporter who thinks she has found the story of a lifetime and continues to tape everything instead of fighting the zombies, Teri Morales (Sandrine Holt); and who can forget the wise cracking, fast talking, comic relief guy who spouts idiotic one-liners in the face of danger, LJ (Mike "I'll do anything for a paycheck" Epps). None of them are very good actors, especially Guilliory, who couldn't read her lines more stiffly if she was turned into a zombie. Witt takes us from scene to scene with major plot twists thrown in our face to justify the five-minute, poorly filmed fight sequence that follows each of them and causes you dizziness reminiscent of that trusty old tequila. Worst of all, we never get a reason to root for the heroes. You don't care if they live or die because no emotional investment is asked for nor given. It all culminates with a one-on-one showdown that would make the worst WWE Wrestling writer get fired, but will get Witt and writer Paul W.S. Anderson a chance to film some big budget summer blockbuster we'll get stuck watching in 2006 (I have a bad feeling this is the best prediction I have ever made). Then, as if God and the Screen Gems movie studio haven't punished you and me enough, Resident Evil: Apocalypse keeps going and going and going long after it should have ended, extending your pain by 10 more minutes because Screen Gems engages in a feeble attempt to establish the plot for a potential Resident Evil 3. WOW! I can't wait! Pass the tequila. 0 Waffles (Out Of 4) Copyright 2004 - WaffleMovies.com
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