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Back Shelf Beauties
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The Pacifier How the mighty have fallen. Just a few years ago, Vin Diesel was going to be the greatest action hero in movies since Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, Arnold is Governor and Vin's starring in a movie with five kids, three TV refugees and a duck. In the distance, I think I hear taps being played for his career. Diesel stars as Lt. Shane Wolf - a career Navy SEAL handed a tough assignment. A government defense contractor has devised a way to make an enemy's nuclear capabilities shut down (project GHOST), and Serbian Rebels are anxious to get their hands on it (the Serbs?!?!?! They're our most dangerous enemies? Why not say Boris and Natasha are after the software?). When the contractor is murdered, Shane is sent to Bethesda, Maryland to protect the family and find the GHOST software before it ends up in the wrong hands (the Serbs?). Of course, our Navy SEAL has never had to tame a family of 5 kids (and a duck) before. Is he tough enough? Will Shane find the software? Can he survive the rambunctious kids? Will he have to fight off the Serbs? You wouldn't be the only one to think The Pacifier sounds like Kindergarten Cop. However, Governor Arnold is a funnier actor with a better movie. Sadly, The Pacifier is everything you expect it to be. It's predictable, overly cute, and a dog of a movie from the first line uttered by our star. OK, maybe The Pacifier is not a barking dog, but it is looking for a chew toy. If you truly love your children, you will take them to see a different movie. One could easily put the blame on Vin Diesel, but he's just a guy earning a paycheck, and it shows. For most of the movie, he's stiff, forced and trying too hard at everything, especially the comedy of being the tough guy fish out of water. We're supposed to laugh as this trained killer comically meets his match against these pint sized foes, but we've seen it before and done better. Ultimately, Diesel doesn't show the screen presence and confidence needed to make the comedy work. He doesn't show a believable exasperation as the kids get the best of him (too forced). He doesn't show enough strength to make the size difference work in a funny way. Worst of all, he doesn't handle the action part of the film very well, and that's supposed to be his strength. Diesel is clunky and doesn't have enough urgency to make the action enjoyable. Surprisingly, much like the movie, he is better towards the end as our hero makes the predictable and expected evolution into a loving tough guy with a heart of gold, but it's too late. Writers Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant (part of Reno 911, one of TV's funniest shows, so they should know better) don't help things with more poop and puke jokes than anyone with a weak stomach should have to see, a basic plot with the typical plot twists, and overly sugary relationships with the kids. If anything, Lennon and Garant should have cut out two of the kids out of the movie since they only exist to provide the unnecessary puke and poop that we could do without. More time to examine the relationships between Shane and the various older kids, plus extra screen time for a half hearted love story, would made the film a bit more interesting and heartfelt. Director Adam Shankman adds to our misery by forgetting the plot for about 45 minutes to focus on cutesy junk with kids, and seems to have trouble following through on the whole joke. He doesn't take us on the complete car ride that causes the kids to leap out to save their lives, and doesn't make Diesel's silly dance silly enough to make us laugh at the big guy. Shankman doesn't get great performances from the actors, and doesn't bring anything visually stimulating to the film. Finally, I can't end this review without a plea to Brad Garrett. Hilarious in Everybody Loves Raymond, he should beg CBS to give him a spin-off show, so he doesn't have to play idiotic comic relief characters like wrestling coach/vice principal Murney. This character is so stupid, you have trouble believing he didn't suffer some sort of major head trauma while in pre-school, or on the way to the set. Murney's supposed to be a menacing foe, but the moronic antics of this character are too stupid to make you laugh. Garrett was painful to watch in The Pacifier, and he's better than this. The Pacifier gets better towards end, but maybe that's because we gave up hope so early on. 1 Waffles (Out Of 4) Copyright 2005 - WaffleMovies.com
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