Orphan

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet this year's Snakes on a Plane! Oh, it's a bad movie, but this is the kind of bad that is awesomely awful and such a guilty treat to watch, you almost don't care.

When Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) decide they want to add a new member to their family after a tragedy, they go off to the local orphanage, and, instead of getting to know one of the playful girls jumping rope and having a good time, they choose to meet Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) - a creepy 9-year old who keeps to herself, paints strange artwork and, this is the big one, she's Russian (Oh no! Not Russian!).

Of course, what could go wrong when they bring her home to their isolated house in the middle of nowhere? (this is why I live in an apartment)

Is there something wrong with Esther?

Director Jaume Collet-Serra and writer David Johnson have not created a shocking, terrifying movie that will keep you up at night in horror, but do they think they made the next great Hitchcock-level frightening movie? You have to wonder if the two earnestly are attempting to make a scary movie, or if they gave up part way through and decided a campy, overwrought melodrama would be more entertaining.

All of the cliché elements are there. Kate is a depressed alcoholic, so maybe she can't be trusted when she expresses her fears. John is blind to everything that is happening around him, so the two are driven further apart. The family has all sorts of sad history that haunts them. When Kate points out the importance of a certain flower, you know the dirty evil little kid is going to burn it to the ground! It's as if our writer and director want Orphan to be creepy and suspenseful and get you on the edge of your seat, but all of it is so obvious, and the dialogue is so klunky, it is funny, especially because of the performances by the two little girls in the movie.

Fuhrman is excellently evil (and Russian) as she puts on the most suspicious and diabolical faces you can imagine every time Collet-Serra goes in for the close up. She knows how to get the audience rooting against her for more than just the horrible acts Esther commits.

Then, we get a great performance from Aryana Engineer as Max - Esther's new sister, who happens to be deaf. It's a great choice by Johnson to make the character deaf, since it adds even more emotional involvement from audience, but Engineer also is fantastic at looking scared.

While laughter may not be the intended entertainment value, you have to admit Orphan does entertain. Isn't that what really counts?

Orphan is rated R for disturbing violent content, some sexuality and language.