Marmaduke
Remember when talking animals used to be funny?
It was back in those amazing, fanciful, wondrous days before The
Chronicles of Narnia had talking
animals fighting holy wars and Beverly
Hills Chihuahua made our four
legged friends vapid and vacant. Those holes Marmaduke is digging might
as well be graves for the words, "talking animals are funny." I
proclaim that movie commandment to be no more.
Based on the comic strip, Owen Wilson provides the voice of Marmaduke -
a self-described 200 lb. teenage dog who doesn't fit in because of his
enormous size. Of course, life isn't too bad for the great dane, until
his owners, Phil (Lee Pace) and Debbie (Judy Greer), decide to uproot
the family from their happy Kansas home, so Phil can take a higher
paying job in California (cue The
OC
and every song about California that was released after 2000).
Now, Marmaduke feels like a fish out of water as Phil hangs out with
the new boss, Don (William H. Macy), at a local dog park, finds himself
ostracized for being a mutt, and tries to win the heart of Jezebel
(voice by Fergie, the singer, not the drunken duchess). Only his new
pals, led by tomboy Mazie (voice by Emma Stone), see Marmaduke for who
he is, and try to help him fit in.
Will Marmaduke make Jezebel's tail wag?
Can he handle her jealous boyfriend, Bosco (Kiefer Sutherland)?
I wish I could get angry or morally outraged by the disaster known as
Marmaduke, but the movie is so bland,
uninspiring, and predictable it's
almost like chastising a 5-year old for drawing a picture that doesn't
look like a Picasso. No one on the creative team can do better, so why
be surprised when you get something like this?
Director Tom Dey, with writers Tim Rasmussen and Vince Di Meglio, beats
the audience over the head with the whole idea that Marmaduke is a teen
facing the typical problems of fitting in, battling with bullies, and
awkwardly attempting to woo the object of his affection, when he should
notice the best friend who has feelings for him.
For a while, Marmaduke
feels like a rejected 1980's teen angst John Hughes movie, especially
when Dey and the
gang start to rip off Some
Kind of Wonderful, but Hughes
never had the
audacity to write lines like, "it's raining cats and us!"
Now, I can almost hear people reading this review and yelling at their
computer screens. "it's just a kids movie, so chill out!" Sure,
Marmaduke
is full of goofy sIapstick moments like the dog running
people over, the great dane jumping out of the bath and making a run
for it in a sudsy fog, or watching the clumsy canine trying to surf
(Movie Commandment - a main character engaging in any activity
resembling surfing or skateboarding is one of the signs your movie is
going downhill, fast), but those relatively innocuous and innocent
moments are accompanied by a stream of fart jokes, butt sniffing and
licking comments, and allusions to the animals tripping out on drugs.
Is that what you want a 5-year old to see?
On top of all of that, Dey and company stick us with an overly
melodramatic ending that might scare the pants off any child in the
theater. While this might be important and germane for a movie like Old
Yeller, exposing the main
characters to this unnecessary level of
danger is out of context, and borders on cruel and unusual punishment
for those who stick around for the end.
Marmaduke
if rated PG for some rude humor and language.
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