The Love Guru
.5 Waffles!

Writer and star Mike Myers has his head in the toilet more than a Florida State University freshman co-ed during homecoming weekend.

Romany Malco stars as Darren Roanoke – a famous hockey superstar whose play is suffering as the team heads to The Stanley Cup championships. He and his wife, Prudence (Meagan Good, but I like to call her Meagan Fine), are on the outs, and she has taken up with his bitter rival, goalie Jacques “Le Coq” Grande (played by Justin Timberlake, and, trust me, his name is only about the 5th most offensive joke in this movie).

In a desperate attempt to change the team’s cursed history and get Roanoke’s head back in the game, the team’s owner, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), has hired the second best spiritual advisor in all of the world, Guru Pitka (Mike Myers), to help advise the skater.

Can Guru Pitka save the day?

Myers has been away from writing movies for almost 5 years and the best joke he can come up with is two elephants doing the nasty? And, this was after the joke about the elephant relieving itself. I think Mike Myers hates me.

To see 99% of the jokes in The Love Guru without spending the $9 for a ticket, all one has to do is walk into their bathroom. In those rare moments when he pokes his head above the rim, Myers delivers some hilarious material, especially his lampooning of the spiritual advice and self-help business, but he has this insatiable desire to dive back into the toilet bowl repeatedly, and it flushes the movie away (he might find Zohan in there someplace if he looks hard enough).

Myers and co-writer Graham Gordy (who I will assume to be a 13-year old hyperactive boy strung out on Pop Rocks and Mountain Dew until someone can prove otherwise) have produced a script that leads to a movie that is not silly, but dumb. They fill The Love Guru with a constant stream of attempted puns where every name of a town or person has a crude interpretation, which runs out of steam about 10 minutes into the movie. Then, we have a bunch of jokes about midget Coach Cherkov (Verne Troyer) being short (ooooh, daring and original!). Finally, Myers and Gordy hit rock bottom when Pitka gets a pool cue shoved up his ass (don't worry, his head ends up there, too).

The jokes are juvenile. The love story for Pitka is pointless, and poor Telma Hopkins shows up as Roanoke’s Mom proving she has run out of Family Matters money and Tony Orlando doesn’t need Dawn to appear in the Nutrisystem commercials. If it wasn’t for Timberlake’s performance as the cocksure goalie with a love of Celine Dion that cannot be exceeded by any man, I might have given up and walked out.

The Love Guru is rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some comic violence and drug references.