Jumper

You have Hayden Christensen. You have Samuel L. Jackson. Yet, not one of the writers, the director or the two stars could take 10 seconds to give us one lousy Star Wars joke? That figures, since the rest of the movie is lousy, too.

Christensen stars as David Rice – a 23-year old guy whose Mom, Mary (Diane Lane), left him when he was 5-years old, was raised by his father, William (Michael Rooker), who wasn’t very good at childrearing, and the kid often found himself the butt of jokes and hazing by bullies at school. However, at the age of 15, David learned he has the power to teleport or “jump” from place to place all across the globe by just thinking about it.

While accumulating a great deal of personal satisfaction and wealth by questionable means, David has attracted the attention of a mysterious religious group, called the Paladins, led by Roland (Samuel L. Jackson with the worst, brightest most annoying and unattractive white hair you have ever seen since Married with Children went off the air and Christina Applegate found a sensational stylist).

Why do the Paladins want to find and stop David? Can they stop all of the jumpers?

Jumper fails on so many levels, it would be easier to tell you what is right with the movie. However, it is more entertaining to talk about what is wrong with it. Let’s face it. Criticizing is what pays my bills.

First, the heroes and villains have been flipped in Jumper. While director Doug Liman and his team of writers (adapting the book by Steven Gould) want us to think the supposedly religious zealots are evil by chasing down the jumpers and declaring only God should have such power, the jumpers are a group of thieving twentysomething hipster doofuses.

Seriously, David and his ilk make a living by stealing money and put many humans in harm’s way, while NEVER EVER using their powers for good. Liman even sets up a scene where David practically smirks at helpless people in need as he sets off to bed down an unsuspecting hottie and fit in a little time for surfing. What a hero that chump turns out to be!

Even worse, David uses his power to get revenge on someone who wronged him in the past, but doesn’t have any way of defending himself against such an onslaught. Do we really want to see an unfair fight like that? All of this made me start to root for the Paladins. I want Roland and his gang to stop these lawbreaking morons who are a menace to society.

Second, writers David Goyer, Jim Uhls and Simon Kinberg provide a ludicrous script with dialogue written on a second grade level. Plus, they fail to provide a framework which explains how the jumpers got their powers, why the Paladins want to stop the jumpers (beyond a statement about God and power), how some people can tell they are jumpers, exactly why the jumpers seem to obtain the ability at a certain age in their lives, and why these jumpers haven’t caused a worldwide panic.

Third, Liman also is to blame for Jumper’s lack of a brain and logic. We see the jumpers showing up in some of the world’s most photographed tourist attractions as they hang out on top of the Sphinx, land on the top of the Empire State Building or take in the sights from Big Ben, but (until very late in the movie) NO ONE sees them jumping in and out of these places and NO ONE catches them on a video camera even though all of these places are crawling with tourists wielding camcorders and cameras? To take the movie seriously, Liman and crew need to do better. These characters need to have some concern for getting caught by society to avoid being captured when they know they are in danger and being followed by the Paladins. Why leave a trail behind?

Guess what? The acting isn’t very good either. Christensen speaks with a horribly affected voice which is a cross between Jeff Spicoli and Al Pacino. Is this supposed to sound cool and tough, yet, free spirited? Additionally, Christensen just doesn’t have any electricity on the screen. He looks awkward when flirting with the ladies, even though he supposedly is such a stud he can be a jumper of another sort and have any woman he wants in the movie (his high school sweetheart who he hasn’t seen in 8 years is just going to quit her job, fly off to Rome with this mumble mouth wallflower and start knocking boots on Day One of the trip?), and Christensen fails to show the right amount of emotion when people David loves are in danger. It’s a flat performance.

The special effects are cool, but it’s not enough to save a pitiful movie.

Jumper is rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence, some language and brief sexuality.