G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Welcome to a world "in the near future" where female army uniforms are unbuttoned all the way to the the navel and every military person looks like a model (was this somehow directed or produced by Hugh Hefner?). Don't worry. The beefcake is on display for the ladies as well, when all of the guys work out in the gym with no shirts on. In Hollywood, I think that is called Equal Opportunity Ogling, and might be the only thing G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra has going for it.

Channing Tatum stars as Duke - a hardworking American soldier tasked with protecting a shipment of the most dangerous weapons on the planet. Along with his buddy, Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), the team must get these high tech warheads to safety, but they are attacked by a mysterious, powerful tactical force led by someone from Duke's past, Ana (Sienna Miller).

Dedicated to their mission, Duke and Ripcord don't want to hand over the weapons to another mysterious, powerful tactical force that saves them, and these two dudes have important knowledge about Ana that can be of use, so they end up being recruited by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) to become part of G.I. Joe (Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity).

Who are these villains trying to capture the weapons?

What is their goal?

What is G.I. Joe?

G.I.Joe: The Rise of the Cobra is one of those movies full of chase scenes and fight scenes and shoot 'em up scenes. It is so full of that stuff, even the flashbacks where we are supposed to learn about each character's background are full of fight scenes and chase scenes and shoot 'em scenes (at this rate, you might go out to the bathroom and find yourself in the middle of a chase scene or fight scene or shoot 'em up scene). Director Stephen Sommers doesn't have much else to work with, so I guess he went for the action to distract you from the lack of decent dialogue and plot.

The writing team of Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Paul Lovett only try to create something resembling meaningful dialogue when they attempt to use Wayans for silly comic relief, but these lame attempts at humor only interrupt the flow of the movie and take away from the frenetic action. Then, poor Quaid ends up acting like some stiff cartoon character when his General Hawk needs to be a dynamic leader instead of some guy barking platitudes.

Meanwhile, Sommers gives us every cliché you can imagine from the funeral in the rain to the training montage where the new guys get better and better with each passing scene to the slow motion shots of stuff exploding and cars flipping over. We've seen it all before, and the lack of plot intricacies in G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra makes the movie into mindless, meaningless action. If that's what you want, that's what you will get.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra has enough action and homages to the 80's cartoon series to make the hardcore fans happy, but everyone else might be left wondering what all of the fuss is about.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra is rated PG-13 for sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout.