Conan The Barbarian

This is the movie for people who like blood, violence and topless women. Who is still reading this review?

In this remake/reimagining/reboot, Jason Momoa is Conan the Barbarian - the last of his clan after an evil king, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), murdered Conan's Dad (Ron Perlman, did the Governator cost too much?) and slain everyone in his village while attempting to find a missing piece to an all powerful mask that would give him unimaginable powers to rule the world (a very complicated plot for a movie that is this simple, most people are only buying tickets to see the blood, violence and topless women). Now, Conan wanders the continent looking for Khalar Zym, (topless women) and his chance at revenge, while the evil king searches for "the pure one", Tamara (Rachel Nichols), who is integral to compete his ascension to god-like being.

Will Conan find Khalar Zym and kill him before it is too late?

Did you already figure out Tamara and Conan might get all lusty for each other and Tamara might score some barbarian booty?

The saddest part of Conan The Barbarian is listening to Morgan Freeman narrating the long, overly complicated and meaningless early scenes. I know divorce can cost you a pretty penny, and allegedly dating a 29-year old step-granddaughter can be expensive (the young ones like it when you buy stuff for them), but is Morgan this hard up for some cash? Please just sign up for Shawshank Redemption 2 before stooping this low.

And, Arnold Schwarzenegger is going through a divorce, so they probably could have signed him up for a bit part. Why leave out the guy we all know as Conan?

Conan The Barbarian has some of the worst dialogue of the year, nasty violence designed to satisfy an audience's bloodlust, some horrendous acting, and a 3D presentation that gets worse and worse as the movie progresses (the barbarian whoopee barely looks like it was done in 3D).

Director Marcus Nispel and the three person writing team start to make Conan into some sort of Robin Hood-type character who frees those enslaved by evil leaders like Zym, but drop that very quickly in favor of fight scene after fight scene after fight scene. With all of the effort made to create some sort of complex story, it all comes down to watching people get sliced up by big swords.

Momoa walks around looking buff and tough without a shirt on, and that's the extent of his acting challenges in this one, but Rose McGowan was surprisingly creepy and sinister as Zym's goofy daughter with some sort of psychic powers and psychosis.

Conan The Barbarian is rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.