This is the movie for people who like blood, violence and topless
women. Who is still reading this review?
In this remake/reimagining/reboot, Jason Momoa is Conan the Barbarian -
the last of his clan after an evil king, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang),
murdered Conan's Dad (Ron Perlman, did the Governator cost too much?)
and slain everyone in his village while attempting to find a missing
piece to an all powerful mask that would give him unimaginable powers
to rule the world (a very complicated plot for a movie that is this
simple, most people are only buying tickets to see the blood, violence
and topless women). Now, Conan wanders the continent looking for Khalar
Zym, (topless women) and his chance at revenge, while the evil king
searches for "the pure one", Tamara (Rachel Nichols), who is integral
to compete his ascension to god-like being.
Will Conan find Khalar Zym and kill him before it is too late?
Did you already figure out Tamara and Conan might get all lusty for
each other and Tamara might score some barbarian booty?
The saddest part of Conan The
Barbarian is listening to Morgan
Freeman narrating the long, overly complicated and meaningless early
scenes. I know divorce can cost you a pretty penny, and allegedly
dating a 29-year old step-granddaughter can be expensive (the young
ones like it when you buy stuff for them), but is Morgan this hard up
for some cash? Please just sign up for Shawshank
Redemption 2 before stooping
And, Arnold Schwarzenegger is going through a divorce, so they probably
could have signed him up for a bit part. Why leave out the guy we all
know as Conan?
Barbarian has some of the worst
dialogue of the year, nasty violence designed to satisfy an audience's
bloodlust, some horrendous acting, and a 3D presentation that gets
worse and worse as the movie progresses (the barbarian whoopee barely
looks like it was done in 3D).
Director Marcus Nispel and the three person writing team start to make
Conan into some sort of Robin Hood-type character who frees those
enslaved by evil leaders like Zym, but drop that very quickly in favor
of fight scene after fight scene after fight scene. With all of the
effort made to create some sort of complex story, it all comes down to
watching people get sliced up by big swords.
Momoa walks around looking buff and tough without a shirt on, and
that's the extent of his acting challenges in this one, but Rose
McGowan was surprisingly creepy and sinister as Zym's goofy daughter
with some sort of psychic powers and psychosis.
The Barbarian is rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and