Back Shelf Beauties
by Willie Waffle
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Blade:Trinity
If you didn't see the first two Blade
movies, why would you want to see the third? You wouldn't. This one is for
fans, and those who enjoy unintentional camp humor. Now, if you are getting
ready to shoot me a vitriol-filled e-mail about how I don't "get it" and
can't "appreciate" what you enjoy, you're right. I like GOOD movies. Go ahead
and spend your money on Blade:Trinity
if that's what you want. I don't judge you, just the films.
Wesley "I used to be a good actor" Snipes is back as Blade - a hybrid
vampire/human who has dedicated his life to prowling around at night killing
vampires who want to take over the world. After foiling them in the first
two movies, the vampires want to eliminate Blade at any cost.
Their plan? The fanged ones set up Blade to kill a human being and capture
it on tape. The video goes to the local authorities and FBI, who already
think he is a serial killer because they don't believe in vampires. Blade
quickly finds himself facing insurmountable odds, every law enforcement officer
in the country chasing him, the loss of an important aide, and a super vampire
called in to get rid of him forever. The name of that super vampire is -
DRACULA!!!!
Can Blade find a way to defeat Dracula and his minions? Do you care?
Blade:Trinity has what the fans are looking
for, and makes sure to check off every desire on the list. First, the film
has plenty of "attitude", which means Blade wears a leather jacket, sunglasses,
has a cool car, rides a smoking motorcycle, and all of the characters fill
their supposedly witty retorts with plenty of cussing and other vulgarities.
Sometimes, this is mindless fun. At other times, it's just mindless.
Second, writer/director David S. Goyer (who wrote the script for next year's
Batman Begins, which scares me to death
as I fear Batman Begins will be just
like this movie. Aaaaarrrrggghhh!) makes sure we get plenty of characters
slowly sauntering out of the smoke in slow motion with heavy metal music
blaring, hand-to-hand choreographed fight scenes, and THREE montages (to
be fair, maybe two because one might not count).
Third, Goyer makes sure we always see co-star Jessica Biel's bare naked belly,
because that's going to sell at least a million tickets to desperate teen
boys and even more desperate men. All in all, his directing is nothing to
write home about, but fairly competently done so we can follow the story
and action without too much confusion. I have to give him credit for that.
Amazingly, it's Goyer's script that lets us down. He has provided more
unintentionally funny dialogue than I have heard in any other movie all year
long. Every line from Ryan Reynolds' character, Hannibal King, is forced,
oh-so-hip comic relief that is supposed to be funny, but the rest of it can
be defined as accidental camp. Instead of something funny or dramatic, most
characters resort to attitude filled vulgarity that quickly loses its impact.
F#$@ you is considered Shakespearean, and painfully graphic discussions,
like one where a psychiatrist asks Blade if he "gets aroused" by drinking
blood, don't shock in a good way. Meanwhile, Blade, instead of coming off
like a hero who can rally the troops behind his devotion and dedication,
is more like an animal who succeeds in spite of his inability to carry on
a conversation, or string three words together to form a sentence.
However, the clichéd characters and acting performances drive the
final stake into Blade:Trinity's heart.
Goyer gives us the sassy sidekick, Hannibal (Reynolds); the hot, butt kicking
babe who wears super tight leather pants and shows off her flat tummy and
ample "assets", Abigail (Biel); the uber-nerd (Patton Oswalt) who uses science
and mechanical engineering to create all of the armory and guns and stuff;
and the sage old man who gives advice, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson). Yet,
Goyer isn't content to stick with those.
He also introduces a young child, Zoe (Haili Page), who is supposed to tug
at our heart strings as she faces danger, and her blind, dedicated mother,
Sommerfeld (Natasha "Remember me from American Pie?" Lyonne). However, if
you bought tickets to a movie hoping to see lots of cool ways to kill vampires
(Blade:Trinity's biggest selling point),
how much do you give a damn about some little kid facing possible death?
In real life, we care. In this movie, she's an annoyance with her overly
naïve questions and precocious/sassy mouth.
Finally, Blade:Trinity gives us front
row seats to watch the end of Wesley's career and the career of Parker "Former
Indie Queen" Posey. Snipes takes the whole not-quite-human thing too literally
as he growls most lines while barely opening his mouth to make an attempt
at annunciation. Posey goes the other way by creating an over-the-top vampire
mastermind who chews up the scenery and overacts her heart out. She is the
perpetrator of most of the unintentional humor as Posey and Goyer decide
her character should be more like the villain out of a porn movie, complete
with unsubtle and creepy double entendres. Only Reynolds comes out of this
unharmed as he works so hard to make his constant stream of rapid-fire comic
relief funny. The lines sometimes are funny, sometimes fall flat, but he
saves the character from becoming annoying. Most of the time, he makes the
audience, and me, laugh.
Blade:Trinity has some laughs, some cool
fight scenes, and lots of attitude, but needs a better story, better acting
and better writing.
1 Waffle (Out Of
4)
Copyright 2004 - WaffleMovies.com
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