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Shelf Beauties |
Beowulf Seeing Angelina
Jolie’s naked animated body doing a sexy slither out of the
water might turn
your PG-13 boy into an R-rated man!
Trust me, with all of this violence and better
nudity than you see on
Cinemax late at night, Beowulf should have been rated R. Set in Will Beowulf be
able to defeat Grendel?
Beowulf might be
a movie, but you are in the theater to see the animated spectacle more than to admire
any acting or storytelling. Avid movie
fans will recognize this animation to be the same process Director Robert
Zemeckis helped develop for The Polar Express a few years ago, but the team has
made massive strides forward since then.
While almost all
of the characters have creepy vacant, dead, shark eyes, and expressions are a
bit wooden, the colors and textures look realistic. The characters’ movements are smoother and
more realistic than in The Polar Express, which leads to some exciting fight
scenes and shocking monsters who come to life in ways that should amaze you. Most of all,
make sure you see Beowulf in 3-D if you can because Zemeckis takes full
advantage of the effect early in the movie (but not as much later on, as if
they forgot about it or used every trick they could think of and gave up). We see swords, bodies, Angelina Jolie and
monsters flying off the screen and into your popcorn with better vividness than
previous 3-D efforts, which could spur the production of more 3-D movies in the
future. Much like the epic
poem Beowulf, the movie is a series of boastful tales of bravery instead of one
continuous and coherent story, and, sadly, it becomes discredited by several forays
into randy, sophomoric territory like an Austin Powers-inspired sequence where
Beowulf, who has chosen to fight naked against Grendel (I dare Tom Brady to try
THAT in a football game), always finds himself strategically and comically
placed behind something that will obscure his mighty “sword.” We also get treated to comical reactions to
the size of his mighty “sword” and several double entendres and instances of
salty language tossed in for inclusion sake.
Any one of these instances would work out fine by itself, but all
combined, and placed along side the darker, more serious story, it all feels
out of place. Beowulf is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sexual material and nudity. In my opinion, it should have been rated R.
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