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Assault on Precinct 13 Sometimes, a movie is bad. Other times, a movie is so bad you have to laugh. However, Assault on Precinct 13 is so bad you will be rolling in the aisles as if you were at a showing of Meet The Fockers. Ethan Hawke stars as Officer Jake Roenick - a former vice cop in Detroit who was injured on the job and stuck in charge of lowly Precinct 13. Not much happens at this police station on the edges of the city, and Jake's biggest task is supervising its shutdown, which is to be completed on this snowy New Year's Eve. Almost all of the phones, computers and guns have been taken away (how convenient), and the staff expects a quiet night of watching the ball drop at Times Square, and drinking some champagne to top off the evening, but a group of prisoners are brought in after their transport bus encounters too much trouble with the worsening blizzard raging outside. One of the prisoners, Marion Bishop (Lawrence Fishburne), is a notorious crime lord and cop killer, but someone doesn't want him in jail. When a heavily armed posse attempting to free Bishop attacks Precinct 13, can Jake and his rag tag crew fight them off? Assault on Precinct 13 is so bad it is funny, and one of the most violent films I have seen in recent years. At some point, you have to stop getting angry at all of the bad dialogue, overacting, stupid situations, and questionable plot twists so you can mock Assault on Precinct 13 for all of its scene-chewing, stinktastic glory or your head will explode in a rage. Yes, it's that bad. Writer James Demonaco (based on the original by writer/director John Carpenter) has provided some of the campiest dialogue in the history of cinema, and only some of it is intentional. Worse than that, his cast of characters and story are like a series of rejects from the Hack School Of Movie Writing. Smiley (Ja Rule) likes to talk about himself in the third person like a superstar athlete, which gives Ja Rule a chance to stalk around the jail with his typical tough guy, rap star poser shtick. Beck (John Leguizamo) goes on and on pontificating conspiracy theories and acting like a rat trying to avoid the light of day. And, of course, Officer Jasper O'Shea (Brian "King of Overacting" Dennehy) is outraged at having to protect a cop killer when it is O'Shea's LAST DAY ON THE JOB (just measure this guy for a coffin right now). Other tired, unoriginal characters abound like Jake as the burnt-out-but-good cop who has to rise to the occasion and his psychiatrist, Alex (Maria Bello), who happens to be a hot babe dressed in a slinky cocktail dress for a New Year's Eve party she doesn't get to attend due to the storm (her loss is male fantasy's gain). Director Jean Francois-Richet should just put the caption, "They Want To Jump Each Other's Bones," on the screen when Jake and Alex have a scene together just in case anyone misses the lack of subtlety (the subtitles would fit in with all of the rest of this overwrought garbage). However, Francois-Richet is more concerned with gross out visuals than anything that might make the movie compelling or believable. While the stupidity of the movie makes Assault on Precinct 13 eligible for Worst Movie of the Year honors, the historic level of violence puts it over the top. Francois-Richet is obsessed with showing bullet holes, so just about every dead body displays one as other characters rush to look at them. One would be enough, but Francois-Richet goes to the well several times for this ridiculous shock. Then, we get to watch another character get stabbed repeatedly with a machete, and yet another is set on fire. It's some of the most horrific footage on film, but doesn't add anything positive to Assault on Precinct 13. It's a vile version of entertainment that, thankfully, I don't understand. Assault on Precinct 13 is an assault on good taste and the art of filmmaking. 0 Waffles (Out Of 4) Copyright 2005 - WaffleMovies.com
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